Getting Complete With the Past
During the last 8 months since my husband, Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, a lot of people want to hear how he is truly doing. We created a Facebook group to keep people abreast of what is actually happening. We want to share it all. And most people want to hear about hope, courage, and positivity, not about how Randy is unlikely to survive or his ruminations on how to live well while dying.
I don’t blame them. Before I experienced it, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it either. The problem is, we can’t escape it because his cancer has overtaken our lives. The only way out is to keep going through it. And “through” means living with the knowledge of pending death (and a lot of hope that it will not be that way) with all the difficulties and practical realities. I often feel we should candy-coat the story for others to spare them the pain of it, though we try hard not to.
The actual reality of it is, that I had breast cancer just 5 years ago, and with 7 different surgeries, I survived. He was by me every step of the way. So, it goes back to, he must survive so we can spend the rest of our lives together. Since we got one second chance, why can’t we have another? As days go by, Randy changes, I see it. I’m with him every day! We are a loving couple, though, in our marriage, we have had some struggles. And, at one time, at the beginning of the diagnosis, some real things came to light and blew up in our relationship. Things that had been happening for a long time, and it came to light the day my husband got a port for chemo! It changed me, us, we were NOT the same. The diagnosis became a struggle, as I did not know how to be with him, or the diagnosis.
Then, this is where the magic happens.
One day we were at a routine doctor visit, and a reverend was speaking, I don’t even know what was said, but it had something to do with love around you. And, it was clear as the air I breathe, that for us to go on, I needed to forgive, not only for my husband but also me/us. And I said those words. “I FORGIVE YOU”. And, I could feel I MEANT it. Since that day, we have cried together and shared things we have not shared before. It is bliss. We went on a few bucket list trips, one to India and got to visit the Taj Mahal and also took a helicopter ride around Kauai, Hawaii. Even saw the redwoods in California with Paul Bunion and Babe the Blue Ox, great adventures. On February 27th, 2022 we had a living celebration of life for Randy. There were over 130 people at our home to celebrate and tell Randy who he is for them, as well as dozens of people on zoom! With the help of our community, were able to feed all the attendees dinner and drinks. I had a frame for hearts that loved ones wrote their name on. We look at those names daily. We gave each person a magnet with Randy's picture on it as a memento. I still have people contacting me for a Randy memory magnet, those magnets are priceless. We do have people that have contacted us to do a meal train or something, and we decline, requesting them instead to just take a few moments and send good vibes, thoughts, love and light, gentleness, prayers, and well wishes (and an occasional coffee).
Yes, we are looking at an unknown future, but, we are very much together in this. And my world, my world is brighter. His is also, and we are complete with our past. And ready for whatever comes our way for this future. I’m living in hope that he makes it, and this does not take him. But, if he does not make it, he knows I love him, and we get this precious time together! We are also spending quality time with family and other loved ones, and we are not taking any moments for granted. If you can take anything from this, get complete with your loved ones, and have bliss in your lives, no matter the circumstances.
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Delo's beloved Randy passed away just days after she wrote this blog on May 6, 2022. Our thoughts and prayers go out to her and her loved ones.