Down the Road
We never know how long we have.
It’s been 6 years, 7 months, and 16 days since I received the official cancer diagnosis. I knew 4 days before that what I would be told. I had been watching my aunt fight breast cancer for 19 years and I knew what it looked like. I spent those 4 days in constant fear of an early death. Imagining my kid’s and husband’s fear and pain, thinking about all the special events I would miss, beginning to write good-byes in my head, and realizing I should plan my funeral so the people who loved me wouldn’t have to do it while grieving.
We never know how long we have.
My surgical oncologist said it looked like it was caught early but was aggressive. I had options; remove the one breast with the cancer or take them both. I had a week to decide but I knew my answer that day. I chose to remove both breasts. Turns out it wasn’t caught quite as early as we had hoped and I have never second-guessed my decision.
So here I am, almost at 7 years in. I was told reaching the 5-year mark was a great start, next will be 10 years. There will always be that seed that was planted in the back of my mind the day my doctor said, “you have breast cancer.” Now and then I can feel that seed try to sprout—a little less often these days than in the beginning. It has cancer written on its leaves, and as they unfurl, the worry begins to seep into my body and mind. “What if it comes back?”
On the days when that worry feels too big and scary, I’m thankful for the amazing women I have met along my journey. Women that I can reach out to at a moment's notice. They will listen, commiserate, and offer understanding. Sometimes we laugh and cry and when we say goodbye, I always feel stronger for knowing them. I would be lost without them. I didn’t know I could become so bonded to people I’ve only spent a day or two with sharing our stories. I cry hard when they pass on, for their families, friends, and for myself because you just never know.
We never know how long we have.
So, I’m grateful for every day, month, and year I get to experience life. I celebrate every birthday wearing a tiara (yes, I bought myself a tiara) and make it a special day for myself. I don’t expect my friends or family who have not had this experience to understand the pure pleasure of growing another year older, although I hope some of that excitement rubs off. People sometimes laugh when I tell them my age with a huge smile on my face and they seem confused by my delight. I always tell them not to be sad about getting older. Don’t let life pass you by and make sure to soak in all that goodness.
Because we never know how long we have.