Silver Linings
Having breast cancer was hard but I think the way it changed my life paved the way for a brighter and healthier future.
Silver linings are everywhere, especially when you’ve had a diagnosis of breast cancer.
Silver lining number 1, I don’t have to wear a bra!! Before breast cancer, I hated bras and clearly remember that feeling of being anxious to get home knowing the first thing I’d do is take off my bra. I don’t miss that feeling.
Here’s my story. I had breast cancer. Had. Past tense. Now that I am cancer free I definitely don’t say I am in remission. I don’t like that word, remission. It sounds like the cancer is something on pause and will come back one day. I also don’t think of myself as a warrior, someone who fought. In the early days after my diagnosis, a dear friend told me to be positive. Seemed like good advice and those terms seemed aggressive so I decided not to use them. Now I am just someone that had cancer. Living my life fully appreciating every day that I am still alive. I don’t mean to make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. It was a VERY BIG deal.
The news of my breast cancer diagnosis came from a very kind nurse navigator at Kaiser. She called on the morning of July 19, 2017, while I was at the playground with my daughter, then 6 years old. After she said those words I could only listen, I couldn’t start crying. The crying had to wait. At that moment being a mom came first. I sat on the edge of the sandbox watching her play and just letting the words sink in. I think everyone who has ever been in this position can agree on one thing, we all had that infamous thought. “I didn’t think it would happen to me.”
Soon after that call, it was time to go pick up my son, then 7 years old, from basketball camp. Still no time for crying. Now that I had 2 kids in the car but couldn’t think. What should I do? Where should I go? I texted my neighborhood mom friends who immediately agreed to meet me at the park. We sat on a blanket and talked quietly while the kids played with pokemon cards nearby. I’m thankful for their initial and continual support. I have so much gratitude for my friends. For me, being a mom is the most important thing in the world, it’s my identity. I needed to know my kids would be ok. This group of moms gave me unending support throughout my journey.
Later that afternoon my kids went to their dad’s house. That’s when I was finally able to cry. I cried but didn’t want to be alone so I drove to my friend Helen’s house. Honi came too, then my sister Megan and also my friend Paresh. I was with my crew and felt completely surrounded by their love and support. They were there when I shaved my head and there to celebrate after my last round of chemo.
In the following weeks, I had more appointments, more tests, and more results. My treatment plan changed a few times but the final sequence of events was 5 months of chemo, double mastectomy, 5 weeks of daily radiation and then reconstruction surgery, ongoing physical therapy, and 2 years of tamoxifen and now going on 3 years of anastrozole along with 3 years of Zometa infusions. I lost my hair and felt a lot of pain. The treatment was never fun but I am alive because of it. And I had tons of help and support every step of the way. I’m very grateful for my medical team. I have a true appreciation for my health insurance.
Asking for help isn’t easy but it’s necessary when you are going through this kind of treatment. I am fully aware of how fortunate I am. My mom is my hero. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She set aside her life to help me through the first few chemo sessions and even learned how to give me injections because, at first, I refused to do it myself. After she went home, my friends took turns coming with me to chemo.
I paired my western medicine treatment with lots of supplementary treatment from many many naturopathic doctors, acupuncturists, and massage therapists. These treatments managed the side effects and stress of my traditional treatments and kept my spirits high.
I met a lot of super cool people that I never would have met if it had not been for my cancer diagnosis. Deb from Pink Sistas, Andy from Michelle’s Love, the Breast Friends Walk and Talk gals, Jolene from Radiation, Dr. Dave from Sage Cancer Care, and Dr. Chong, my plastic surgeon just to name a few. I've also had so many unique experiences along the way. Having a bald head was actually pretty badass but I NEVER would have had the guts to shave my head if it wasn’t literally falling out from chemo. I got to ride on the pink ribbon sailboat in the Christmas Ships Parade, seriously a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Along with other amazing Pink Sistas, I got to be in a calendar. How cool is that?! Oh, and I was photographed as a bra model for MakeMerry. Having breast cancer was hard but I think the way it changed my life paved the way for a brighter and healthier future. So many silver linings.